


Short King

by bobadeluxe



Category: Hades (Video Game 2018)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Existential Crisis, Height Differences, M/M, Misunderstandings, References to Ancient Greek Religion & Lore, Self-Esteem Issues, Short King Anthem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:47:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22373605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobadeluxe/pseuds/bobadeluxe
Summary: “Why isn’t Theseus ‘short one’? We’re the same height!”Was he? Truth be told, Asterius never noticed. Most people were shorter than him by default, so it didn’t matter by how much. And Theseus had this exuberant presence around him that was quite distracting. Was he really the same height as Zagreus?But Zagreus was so… short.
Relationships: Asterius | The Minotaur/Theseus (Hades Video Game)
Comments: 31
Kudos: 450





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> edit: oh yeah FUCK ME IN THE ASS i run into another dialouge after writing this AGAIN and asterius is not illterate asdjakls. so yeah that bit in this fic was becuase i wrote it before i found out. let's just say it's a hc that theseus taught him to read/write. yeah let's go with that. sobs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theseus singing Short King Anthem: The fic. That's it.

For all their bravado, not many warriors dared to challenge Asterius repeatedly. They lacked perseverance, once defeated they crawled away to lick at their wounded pride, then they never tried again. No one wanted to suffer the shame of defeat in paradise. At least not twice, and definitely not at the hands of the Minotaur who they all assumed to be easy prey. If taking the risk to relive their glory, to feel _alive_ , could result in public humiliation and indescribable pain, then they'd rather become complacent. To them an unfulfilling afterlife was better than a tortuous one, he supposed. Though Asterius could not relate with the sentiment, as prevalent as it seemed to be across Elysium. He would choose to battle any day, especially when the alternatives were the numbing sensation of false peace, an endless yet meaningless self-indulgence, and a complete lack of purpose. 

So in a way he was grateful for the short one's company, despite their circumstances. Since he mostly got to fight only when Theseus was challenged - which didn't happen as often as he'd like - not many heroes could make it through to the last round. Apart from that, they either stopped coming back once they realized they could not get through him, or they just avoided him entirely, not considering Asterius to be a worthwhile rival. Which meant he had a lot of free time on his hands, even after taking Theseus' many, many, _many_ past time activities into account. (Asterius had made a habit of following him along, much to his own regrets.) The short one's trespasses filled in those gaps, and it didn't hurt either that he was a great warrior.

The short one fought well. He was strong, and obstinate in ways Asterius recognized and admired. When they fought, one on one, Asterius could almost let himself believe that he was a real hero. One that cared about fairness, had his own moral codes, and relied only on his own strength. One that was.. respected. The short one referred to him by name, and although his attacks were anything but, his words were kind. Asterius looked at him and saw what himself could be if he didn't succumb to the darkness. If he didn't become cruel. Asterius was not unsympathetic to his plight, he _knew_ of what the short one was going through. Though his labyrinth wasn't as intricate as this one, and he had no other family to speak of, and no one who offered to help. Still he could have held onto hope like the short one did.. perhaps. Possibly. It was too late for that regret now. Now, he shall be grateful with what the path of light had given him. A sense of purpose, the thrill of the fight, and the honor that came with victory.

An enjoyable conversation was not one of them, unfortunately.

Every time he arrived in Asterius' chamber, the short one would strike up a conversation. Asterius would then strike it down just as quick. It was not done out of malice, not entirely. If it was, he would have said nothing to the short one. A few words of greeting were customary (and mandatory) just kept it short, because their pre-combat banter was a complete waste of time. Time that could be saved for more combat. His trivial questions and juvenile remarks could only delay the inevitable fight for so long. Asterius did not care for it. He was never one for words; he left Theseus did all the talking. The short one never stopped trying to talk to him, however, and kept finding something new (and irrelevant) to bait Asterius into a conversation.

This time, he complained about his title.

"You know, you hurt me with this 'short one' business almost as much as with that axe," he whined, sounding genuinely bothered. One could have mistook his expression as a pout.

The title was not directed towards him as a mockery. Asterius called him short one because that was what he was, short. It was his most distinct attribute, and most relevant too. What else would Asterius call him? He was strong, yes, but not particularly. He was a prince, but he clearly did not desire to be one if he was escaping the underworld. (Although Asterius was not his father’s son, he was a prince too, technically. Yet no one called him such, and he didn’t want them to either.) People called Asterius _The Minotuar_ for ages, didn’t they? He would’ve thought obvious titles based on appearance were the standard around here.

He was about to say just that, but then the short one had to set him off.

“Why isn’t Theseus ‘short one’? We’re the same height!”

 _Was he?_ Truth be told, Asterius never noticed. Most people were shorter than him by default, so it didn’t matter by how much. And Theseus had this exuberant presence around him that was quite distracting. Was he really the same height as Zagreus? But Zagreus was so… _short_.

“No; the king is greater. He is the greatest king of Athens!” Asterius felt his retort could be better, but he was too flustered at that point. “What are you? A willful son of a fickle god. I am beneath your father's notice. And you are beneath the king's."

The short one stared at him blankly. Asterius could _hear_ his thought; _what does that have to do with anything?_ Before he could open his mouth to say so however, Asterius cut to the chase.

“Now fight me!”

So much for pleasantries.

* * *

  
  


Theseus was, indeed, short. Asterius was flabbergasted. He didn’t look short. He didn’t _feel_ short. But by all accounts, measures, and perspectives, Theseus was at the exact same height as Zagreus. In other words... short. It must’ve been because of his perfect posture. Theseus carried himself well, shoulders squared, back straight, his gaze always looked down on others even though that was not actually possible in physicality. His muscles helped too, difficult to look small when you were sculpted by the gods. But he was. Small. This was troubling.

Because he knew that in part, it had to do with his recent… _involvement_ with Theseus. It, evidently, had clouded his judgment. They had a saying for that, hadn't they? Of something that blinded the eyes, nine olympus clouds, and rose-colored spectacles. (Asterius was illiterate, but he picked up a lot from Theseus.) How could he miss something as obvious as a man's height? A man who had been sharing his bed, feeding him food (he insisted), and fighting alongside him? Oh, how embarrassing all of this was turning out to be.

He wondered if Theseus was self-conscious about his height. It didn't sound like him, but Zagreus seemed quite upset at his title and he was the son of Hades. If even he cared that much about height, perhaps it mattered to Theseus too? Asterius wouldn't know, he was woefully out of touch with.. everything outside his labyrinth. Still, 'Insecure' and 'Theseus' didn't sound like two words that could be used in the same sentence. Theseus was always confident in himself, sometimes even a tad too much. Besides, such a trivial matter should not concern him in the first place. Height advantage meant nothing if one knew not how to take advantage of it. Despite his stature, Theseus never struggled in combat. He was quick on his feet and stronger than he appeared to be. He was the greatest warrior Asterius had ever witnessed. If anything, it was Asterius who struggled with his enormous height. When he was a child, he constantly ran into the labyrinth's walls, and got his horns stuck more times than he could count. Hence how they grew into an usual shape. Yes, that was right. Theseus had no cause for concern at all, regarding his height, and Asterius shall inform him as such to put his doubts to rest.

They were taking a stroll through Elysium fields when he decided to bring it up. (Theseus made it his sworn duty to introduce Asterius to the local flora and fauna, since he never saw the outside world when he was alive.) It seemed a good time as any, they were alone together and Theseus was kneeling to pick up a flower and _wow_ he was short -

"I do not mind that you are short." _Wait. No. Why did he phrase it like that? The King of Athens need not his approval. Who cared what Asterius thought of -_

Theseus froze. His fingers stopped mid-air before they could touch the flower's stem. He looked up to Asterius from his kneeling position, eyes wide, unblinking, expression blank and completely unreadable. The quiet between them was suffocating. Theseus opened and closed his mouth a few times but nothing came out, and when something _did_ come out, he sounded so… small. _Defeated._

"I.. I am short?" His voice cracked.

_Oh._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!! Hopefully I can update soon-ish :-) This was unbetaed, so I apologize for any mistakes you might've spotted.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao this is wayyyy more fun to write than it should be. it's bullying theseus time.

It never occurred to Asterius that Theseus too would be unaware of his height. He always admired that Theseus had a remarkable sense of self, wherein lied his confidence. Though it seemed that was not entirely true, Theseus' shortcomings - pun unintended - had eluded him. Thus was the nature of man to be blinded by their own ego. 

Theseus was perhaps even more prone to it than ordinary men, considering his blood and his title. He  _ did  _ have quite a big head on him. Though his threats did not ring hollow, and he had strength aplenty to back them up, Theseus did a lot of barking in comparison to his biting. Far be it for Asterius to judge, he himself was not in a place where he could call someone shallow or ignorant, let alone the greatest king of Athens. Still.

There was more to Theseus than on the surface, which Asterius just came to realize. For one, The king's demise was still unbeknown to him. Asterius never pried, he figured it might come across as disrespectful. When Patroclus tried to bring it up, Theseus shut him down immediately. Asterius was only half-listening, but Theseus jumped out of his skin at the first mention and rushed over to Patroclus, covering his mouth with both hands, shushing the unimpressed Patroclus all the while. His expression embarrassed and panicked in ways that looked positively foreign on the proud king. Asterius only caught a few words about a cliff, his posteriors(?), and that was it. They have grown close, and quick, but once you became a shade, you lost your sense of time. It felt like forever. It felt as if they've been together for centuries. In reality, they barely knew each other. Theseus was older than him, technically, and he lived a long life after he had slain the Bull of Minos. He wasn't the man he was when they first met. He must've changed considerably since then, and had accumulated a false image of himself somewhere along the line.

False image being that he had no idea how short he was, and now that someone pointed it out to him, he was baffled. Asterius must have been the first too, or else Theseus wouldn't be having an afterlife crisis right now. The greatest king of Athens was peerless, none could compare, but now Asterius stood tall above him for almost a foot or two. Theseus was  _ livid. _

"Me? **Short?!"** He was raving on and on about his height all the way back to their chambers. "Why, I never… What a preposterous observation you've made there, Asterius! I shall have you know that I am well above average height by mortal standard!"

"I stand corrected, then." Asterius didn't really want to argue. Why would he? It was such a non problem. Asterius regretted bringing it up already. (Though being tall by mortal standard did not mean anything, did it? Theseus was a demigod after all. But again, Asterius did not want to argue.)

"I  _ am _ shorter than you, yes, I will grant you that. You have an impressive physique, my friend. You are a beast! And I mean that in the most flattering way, which is the only way possible! I have never seen a taller, bigger, more muscular specimen. Mmm! You look marvelous, If I may be so bold."

"...Thank you?" Asterius said lamely. He wasn't used to receiving compliments. Especially ones in this large capacity.

"But to say that I am short simply because I do not measure up to you.. that is not a fair comparison to make, is it?"

"No, king."

"It would be as if to say I am small because my head does not reach the Olympus! Absolutely absurd! There would always be something bigger than us, Asterius. The gods, the sky, and monsters of great mass waiting to be defeated! It is why a hero's worth is not decided by their physical form. No, no, no.. It is the contrary, in fact. It is their honor! Their bravery! Their willingness to face their adversary, no matter how large!"

Asterius was starting to be convinced. He already thought that Theseus' height did not matter, and his line of reasoning sounded right. Theseus was shorter than him, but everyone was. It may have been shocking to realize that he was the same height as Zagreus, but that did not mean anything. His initiative response was right, Theseus  _ was _ the greatest king of Athens. Even if he was shorter than Zagreus, he would still stand tall above all else. It was not the size of a man, but his quality that counted.

Theseus seemed pleased with himself, so Asterius didn't say anything else to disrupt his jolly mood. Theseus hummed a familiar tune as they made their way back from the fields. The usual skips have returned to his steps, his sour mood faded away as he talked to Asterius about this and that. Nothing remarkable, but nothing regarding his height either, which Asterius took as a good sign. It wasn’t until they arrived at their chambers, and Theseus was getting comfortable on their bed that he brought the topic up again.

"What came over you, hm? To make that silly little remark of yours? I never took you as someone who cared about superficial attributes," Theseus said with a smirk. He seemed amused more than anything, but Asterius felt embarrassed anyway.

"I do not," he huffed. "The short one pointed out that you two were of the same height."

"He - " Theseus stopped mid-stretch. "Wait, we are?"

"He's small for a god," Asterius laughed softly to himself. Theseus was not short, he understood now. It was just Zagreus. "Puny thing."

Theseus said nothing.

"King?"

"How come I have never.. are you saying that I am of the same height with that  **fiend?!** Me, the Champion of Elysium, the greatest king of Athens?! I am as short as that treacherous - that  _ monster _ \-  **Grrh!"**

Theseus reached out for a pillow, buried his face into it, and _screamed._ Loud and drawn out so long that Asterius feared he was going to die. His pained noise barely muffled by the plush pillow.

"He is beneath you, King," Asterius was startled. He had no idea how to comfort someone, and his attempt at it didn't sound genuine.

Theseus looked up only to throw the pillow in his direction. It made a soft thud against Asterius' chest, which made their height difference even more obvious. It did not help improve the situation.

"No! Evidently, we're at eye level!" He yelled, frustrated, and leaped off the bed.

“Theseus, wait!” Asterius tried to stop him but he was too late.

He had done it now. Who would’ve known that Theseus would be insecure about his height, of all things? Now how was he going to fix this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!! i hope i can update soon-ish. not sure if it will end in three chapters as i planned, we'll see.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two updates in one day, the mad man.... enjoy pals.

"You have upset him?" Patroclus asked, one eyebrow raised in disbelief, though his face remained under the same bored, and uninterested politeness.

"You seem surprised at the notion," Asterius pointed out.

"I am," he did not refuse. "Perhaps you are unaware, but Theseus is terribly fond of you. I could not fathom what you could've done to upset him. You used to eat children and he got over it."

Asterius cringed, "I could think of a few things."

Patroclus frowned, "What have you done now?"

"I called him short."

Silence washed over them.

"...Do nothing," Patroclus finally said after a long moment. "He is short. Let him get over it."

For a second, Asterius wondered how tall Patroclus would be if he stood up and stopped slumping all the time, but he stopped himself. He did not need one more height-related conflict.

"He wouldn't talk to me, because he refused to look up to me," Asterius explained. "He scaled the wall to reach the top of the shelf instead of allowing me to assist him."

"Let him. He would get tired eventually."

"His performance is suffering."

"Fine," Patroclus sighed. "Look, it is not just about his height. I suspect that this is only the tipping point. Something had been troubling him for quite some time now." 

"What is it?" Asterius asked, puzzled.

"It has to do with the cause of his death."

Asterius hesitated to inquire further. He was already intruding enough as it was. Patroclus purposefully excluded himself from the rest of Elysium, and most people knew better to leave him alone…. Except the short- Zagreus, Theseus, and Asterius. 

“If you cannot tell me…”

“Oh, I can. He made me swear not to tell you, but I don’t really care,” Patroclus scoffed. “You seem to admire Theseus a great deal, Bull of Minos. Tell me, could your admiration be wavered?” 

“I doubt it,” Asterius answered without hesitation, not caring how it may have sounded considering that Theseus was the one who killed him.

“Very well then,” Patroclus simply said. If he had any judgment towards Asterius, then none of his words nor expression had betrayed him. “You know him as the greatest king of Athens, but he wasn't. In fact, his death was a subject of mockery for a long time before his descendants regained control of Athens and brought his remains back to give - "

"Back from _where?_ "

"The bottom of a cliff. Right. I should start with that." Seeing Asterius' expression, he snorted. "Oh don't look so shocked. This is why he didn't want you to know."

" _Athens_ _fell?_ " Oh, the things you missed out on when you were dead and suffering in Erebus.

"Not quite. You see, Theseus was renowned for slaying you, the Minotaur. After that, he was crowned the King of Athens - "

"Yes, he told me. His father deemed him ready to inherit the throne, from his extraordinary act of valor."

"No, his father killed himself. Jumped into the ocean because he thought Theseus was dead," Patroclus said, staring at him as if to ask _Are you going to interrupt again?_ But he was too baffled to say anything more. "And before you think it's some tragic misunderstanding, your king was too busy gloating to change the color of his sail."

"His father's death did not humble him. He spiralled. Married and remarried more women than I could count, then he befriended Prince Pirithous. Worst decision one could make. Between the two of them, there were a lot of brawn and not enough brain. They caused themselves and their kingdoms a whole world of trouble. Landed themselves in the underworld and got on Lord Hades' bad side. He cursed the rock they were sitting on to grow into their buttocks - "

" _He did_ _what now._ "

"Heracles rescued him. Ripped him out of the rock but he did not escape in one piece, if you know what I am implying. He left his friend behind, got back onto the surface, but someone else had already seized the throne. At that point the people of Athens had no love for him left in their heart. He fled to take refuge in some other island, but got thrown off a cliff because their king feared that Theseus would overthrow him. And now you are caught up."

No one said anything for a long time.

"I do not understand," Asterius finally broke the silence with a mumble.

Patroclus sighed, "Heracles torn his butt apart - "

" _No_ , not that. I do not understand why he would not want me to know. And what does that have to do with him being short?"

"Because he is not what he claimed to be, and he is afraid he will lose your respect. He had been living a lie. He had been defeated in the Elysium stadium repeatedly. This height thing must have pushed him over."

"When he was alive, he was my murderer," Asterius said calmly. "When he's dead, he's my companion. I do not care what he did before he died. It was the man in the afterlife that I have forged a bond with. The one who saved me from the depths and brought me onto the path of life."

The one whom he had grown to care for, and care for deeply. If Theseus could forgive him for devouring children, surely Asterius could look past him… having sex with multiple women and losing some butt mass? Patroclus must have left out some details, or Theseus cared about his self-image even more than Asterius realized. Either way, it did not matter.

"How.. touching," Patroclus made a face. "Well? What are you still doing here then? Go tell him that."

"Thank you, Patroclus. I owe you one." 

"You can repay me by leaving me alone to drown in my sorrow, Bull."

He did. Theseus was waiting.

  
  


* * *

He came back to find Theseus practicing, testing his spear against some unfortunate shades who no doubt had been roped into helping him. He did not acknowledge Asterius when he arrived, but he noticed him. He was stabbing those shades with more force now, letting out his frustration in combat as he often did. Asterius stepped closer, but Theseus still wouldn't look up to him. What if he kneel? No. Theseus saw him as an equal, and would be upset if he had lowered himself so. He tried clearing his throat, but to no avail.

So he yelled instead, **"King Theseus!!"**

 _That_ was louder than he intended, and the shades were beyond terrified. They immediately fled from the courtyard before Theseus could stop them.

"Supportive shades! Wait!" He groaned, none of them stopped or even glanced back at him. "Oh, alright. Spill, then. Speak your mind! What is it now?"

He still wouldn't look at Asterius, but instead keeping his gaze on his spear, finding it interesting all of the sudden.

Asterius' mind came up blank. It was easy to pour his heart out when he was with Patroclus, but now he was struggling. He couldn't find the right words, his tongue felt heavy in his mouth, and his voice - _oh_ , how he wished he was better at this. If only he could speak as eloquently as Theseus, or as articulate as Patroclus.

"You may be short," Theseus frowned at that, so Asterius hurried to finish his sentence. "But you are a short _king!"_

Theseus stroked his chin, "Go on.."

"You are five foot.. something, but you are royalty," Asterius could not believe this was actually working. He had no idea what he was saying but he couldn't stop now. "It does not matter what you did, what you do, or how tall you are. You are the greatest king of Athens!"

 **"Yes!"** Theseus agreed enthusiastically. " **I am!** Now you are speaking my language, Asterius!"

 _He was?_ "You may be the same height as the short- Zagreus, but you are above him. You still stand tall because you do not need height."

"Exactly! Oh, you are getting me all excited, my friend! Your words are like music to my ears!"

“And I like that you are shorter than me.”

Dead silence.

Did he say something wrong again?

_“I mean - “_

“You.. do?” Theseus blinked, mouth agape.

“I do.” There was no way out of it now, so Asterius might as well stick with it. “It is… _ah_ ,”

Theseus was staring. He must have loved to be praised, since he was practically lapping every word up, and now he couldn’t wait for Asterius to finish his sentence. Gods.

“It is attractive,” he finally said. Suddenly, he wished he was still trapped in the labyrinth. 

Theseus was grinning from ear to ear, so at least he did something right. He looked up to Asterius now, without any shame in doing so. Asterius felt small and looked down upon even though that was not in any way true, so that must meant Theseus was gaining his confidence back. Why, the sparkles in his eyes were already returning. His smile was blinding, and Asterius felt his face burned. Thankfully he couldn’t really blush, what with his fur and everything. 

“You know, I’ve never noticed before…” Theseus muttered. “But I could suck on your bosoms standing up. Ha! _And they said I was not enough of a man, huh...”_

Asterius startled, “My what?”

 **“Nevermind that!** _”_ Theseus suddenly hugged him. “Oh, Asterius, thank you, **thank you!** I could always rely on you! In combat and in life! Or in death? You know what I mean! You boosted my spirits right up! What would I do without you in this so-called paradise, hm?”

“I am glad that you feel better, king,” Asterius said, returning his hug. Due to their height difference, his hands rest rather low from Theseus back.

“Flat,” he mumbled.

“What was that, my dearest Bull?”

“Nothing, king.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> knowing my luck, i'm gonna run into some never seen before dialogue after this that rendered my fic completely nonsensical. but for now, i'm sticking to that bit of mytho cause it's SO FUNNY. HE LOST HIS ASS. 
> 
> andyeah i really did make him quote the lyrics huh. wow.  
> anyway.... more content of this ship to come, sorry if I flood the tag plz forgive me.
> 
> oh! i played a little bit of Hades today and cracked up the heat for extreme measures, literally in this case, and uh.. theseus looked so UGLY. I literally said out loud to myself "Excuse me, but what the fuck are you doing?" I cannot believe Asterius settled for this. He must REALLY loves his short king if he let Theseus wore that fuck shit. The fucking mask bro.  
> Hope you enjoyed this little fic! Thank you for reading!


End file.
